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A self-harm vent blog.
I'm using this blog to log my relapses, post pictures, and vent about my overal struggles.
There will be uncensored self-harm photos posted to this blog. You've been warned.

Fathers day is tomarrow.
Me and my 'family' went out downtown and to the store for my dad because it's fathers day tomarrow. We got drinks and went to a vintage shop where I got Spot! He was 4.95$ and he loves me...
After that we were hungry from walking everywhere so we went to mijer to get dinner ingrediant and everything went completley awry...
My brother was being bratty because he wanted to spend the stupid 7$ he had so that sent my baby sister into a tantrum, They're begging for everything in the store and running around and screaming "playing" and my mom is screaming at them to stop because they never shut up. I was stay quiet and not doing anything; more on this later...
It all came to a head when we were getting ice cream and they (my siblings) started arguing about what to get because my brother wanted doughnuts.
My dad ended up walking out to the car while no one was looking and scared my mom to death. I had to wait by the door to see if he'd show up.
We came home, I relapsed. I relapsed really hard... and cried...
My mom came in maybe 20 minutes later with my siblings to blame me for "not saying anything", "not doing anything".
I came home to nothing from the two people I wanted some kind of notification from the most. I hate my life. I just want to die, I want to die and have everyone forget I ever existed in the first place.
They all hate me, my family, the two people I have in real life. I'm so tired. I've been really thinking of ending it, Leaving notes for all but my 'family'. Just dissapearing. Maybe even running away allthough I have no one to run to... I just wanna leave, any way I can.
I hate them all.

I know I'm a lesbian, I know I'd never willingly date a guy, I know I feel disgusting just thinking about it, but I feel such extreme guilt and anxiety when I say I am... I keep switching back and forth between the labels lesbian and omnisexual way to frequently. I'm the most comfortable with the label of lesbian/sapphic but my brain keeps spiraling into "what if"s.... What if I get abandoned because I'm being 'confusing' or very simply because I don't like boys... what if all this labels stuff is too annoying for people around me, what if they're all tired of me being scared...
I dunno it's kinda stupid I shouldn't feel like this over something so simple...
I don't want anyone I care for to leave for any reason. So if my brain tells me "they'll stay around and keep talking to you if you use this specific label" I listen, it's easier than being scared of abandonment everyday because someone didn't text me for a little bit or because someone said something I read wrong and I imidiatly attributed it to my current label. It's already difficult enough for me to keep friends.
anyways yeah vauge tiktok story vent done, awkward teen girl creature out...

Everyones a liar and a fake. I hope they all die. I hate them all.