I admittedly have a very difficult time forming relasionships with others, I tend to being extremley attached and latch onto someone when they show an amount of kindness or affection to me. Because of this its hard for me to diffrenciate platonic and romantic attraction, I very often confuse the two but after some time I seem to figure it out, because of this I have had quite a few 'false crushes' where I can just turn them off like it's a switch in my brain. It's extremley rare for me to atcually form some kind of romantic attraction to someone, infact it's only ever happened twice. In 2021 and recently. For some reason, and the point of this post, these strong crushes seem to change my self image, even my veiw on other things as well to an extent. I want to better myself, I seem to talk more and be better at socializing in general. I hate people less and the world as an extention. however, no matter what, I have this crushing (ha.) awful guilt I feel no matter if a crush is false or not. I feel like a predetor, like I'm creeping on them or stalking them because I only see myself as this disgusting mess of a person. I am extremley fearful of making someone I care for uncomfortable in any way because of this. The last time I felt true feelings for someone they had munipulated me and abandoned me like a dog on the side of the road, and then that same thing happened again with two different people in the span of 3 years, I am very afraid that will happen again. I've lost my trust in others and I don't see me trusting so easily ever again. I am also scared that this will be my downfall, that I will let my gaurd down and be kicked down again. However I cannot keep my gaurd up forever and I know that yet I dread the day I'm too tired to keep it up.

I relaize the title is a bit dumb because, people on the internet have ALWAYS been super mean online but I feel like it's gotten so much worse in recent years, death threats and driving people offline because you don't like what they do or make is so common now that finding someone being unapologetically themselves feels like a novelty. With the sense of anonimity and privacy the internet gives I think people belive they can get away with saying anything to people. nothing I'm saying is new by any means, 4chan was and IS a cespool of anonomous edgelords bullying people constantly but that used to be a somewhat contained area, 'normies' didn't visit 4chan but now with tiktok and twitter, etc, bullying people for anything and everything has become so extremley normal and I hate it. A prime example, and why I'm writing this, is the "don't touch my pizza" animation. All that comment section is on tiktok and youtube for that video and a mob of death threats and insults because it's "cringe" or "unfunny", I think half of it is mob mentality and the rest people just being mean for "fun". In the early 2000s/2010s people would've eaten this UP, I mean look at ASDFmovie for example, it's the pinnacle of cringe dry humor and people loved it. The "rendering process :]" kid as well, all because they had a different artsyle to the norm. It pisses me off to no extent how people treat other people just being creative and happy, indevidualality is a rarity in this year 2025 and it's saddening. I also think some of it could be peer pressure, people being to scared to enjoy things being the majority dislikes it. I ALSO also think that commentary channels and such have been fueling the bully mob fire sense the early 2010s. Obviously I don't want people making new "#cloverkitproject"s but I wish the current online world was more accepting as a whole. I know there's places online that are so kind and acceptful. twitter, tiktok, and youtube arn't the only places but they're the biggest so it's hard to belive there are nicer areas. If there aren't and all is lost I'll create my own.

teenage girl OUT!!!

Since january I've been extremley fixated on lapfox, halleylabs, and em essex's stuff in general, But more recently I've been branching out to find stuff other than just msx. The song G.A.B.B.E.R by Dither has been one on repeat for the past week or so, that and other loud stuff have kept me particularly sane since I started getting into it. It keeps my brain "quiet", or at least calmer than it usually is, It helps me stay organized and helps me think more logically as oppose to my usual paniced motional thinking. Sometimes when I tell this to people they get confused because it's so loud and there's so much going on, how could someone possibly feel calmed by this? Maybe it's just the fact that there's finally music that can match my rampent thoughts and doesn't just make me insanly depressed lul... I tried MAKING something like this stuff recently but it really did not go well.. I'm way better with art and computers than I am with anything that needs a lot of knowledge before-hand (like knowing music theory...) It ended up just sounding like a bunch of jumbled noise and beats from different artists, which makes sense I guess that's really how my mind is. It really sucked 'cause I was really determined to make something and get all my feelings out in audio form like WANDERLUST or NERVE'S ENDING, I just have to stick to drawing my feelings out like usual, still dissapointed about it however. Anyways fun loud music! keeps my emotions regulated and my mind calm, I'm like a robot that needs loud bass to run haha!

It's begun to get far warmer where I live and I am very exited! Today I decided I was bored enough to walk down to my local park with my camera for a bit and take some pictures. Flowers have been popping up way more, they're so beautiful I'm honored just to see them and have them in my presence. I've also noticed my mental health has, for the most part, improved since I've noticed spring and summer being on the way. I have for sure had some rough patches recently but seeing the trees bud and having the grass get greener has been a wonderful moral booster. I think I missed the warm weather even if I didn't realize it. Anyways, my photos! Here they are, taken with a Nikon coolpix L810 camera around my neighborhood and driveway! :D